The Breathlessness of Summer

Summer has always been a time that I’ve loved and looked forward to.

When I think of summer days, I think of lazy mornings followed by long, slow afternoons and evenings. I think of late nights and sleeping in. Being overly sweaty and relishing in the pause that comes from a necessary break.

So far, my summer has been anything but a respite for me.

It’s been spent being a personal chauffeur to my (almost) 11 year old. A part-time house declutterer of my grandmother’s home that I’m STILL working through. And on a high-energy vacation that my family was excited about but if I’m honest, my soul just did not need right now.

I still don’t feel as though I’ve caught my breath from the whirlwind of the end of the school year that was ramping up in May (or the winter before, or the fall before that…). Volunteering hours, end of school activities, my niece’s graduation festivities (that worked out to be a LOT of festivities), and trying to get some much-needed family time in with family that doesn’t live nearby took up most of our spring.

And I’m still out of breath from it.

Today is the first day in a month that I’ve been in my house by myself for any stretch of time. Summer camp plus a traveling spouse means that the house is actually quiet. And I’d love to refill my introvert cup in some way.

But what’s weird is that I’ve been on this hamster wheel for so long - caregiving for my grandmother, being almost everything to my son, filling in any and all gaps for my family - that I don’t even trust that this quiet time will fill me up anymore.

I’ve been (slowly) reading the book Burnout: Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagosaki, and it hits the nail on the head. Even though I’ve barely started in on part two of the book, I’ve already learned that I need to actually complete the stress cycle every day in order to feel my best.

That means I’ve been exercising more regularly. Maybe not harder. Maybe not better. But I’ve at least been showing up, because it’s easier for me to show up when I have a reason like my mental state and load rather than to just “be healthy.” Plus, I know I always feel better when I move more. It’s just not always easy to convince my brain to get out of my chair and do it.

So I’ve been adding that as a task list to my to-do list this summer as well.

I also decided that this would be a good summer for us to get one of those 10 foot pools for the backyard. My son still doesn’t know how to swim and doesn’t feel very confident in the water. Between summer camps and vacations, the swim lessons nearby weren’t going to work for us. This was the next best option. But guess what? Acquiring and setting up a pool takes time and effort. And apparently 25 minutes to fill up a floatie toy that we can play on.

All this to say that I thought this summer would be the one where there would be less. In general and overall. With my caregiving role complete with my grandmother, I was left thinking that this summer would be a lot more carefree. But it has been anything but so far.

We’re still trying to finish her house. It’s almost empty and now we need to do some updates in order to get it on the market. Something that I just don’t feel like I have the capacity for. But here we are.

My brain is tired. My body is tired. I’m still in the thick of this time of my life and I’m ready for a true break.

But the thing about breaks is that we always come back from them. And have to face what we’ve put off for a while. The craziness of life, the impromptu needs of others, the filling in the gaps where you didn’t even know there were any, and everything else.

The breathlessness of summer right now feels like just the breathlessness of life right now. The middle years where there is no true break. It doesn’t exist when you’re in the messiness of it all. There are pockets and windows of time where you can pretend that rest is happening, but you know that the moment you poke your head back in that it will all flood back and you’ll be overwhelmed again.