On Trying Less
This week I’ve had the powerful reminder to try a little less. Sometimes I have a tendency to go all in when I do something. When I try hard, the results should follow.
This has been true for me most of my life. As a child, this showed up in almost everything I did. And I would see the results in front of me.
I tried hard in school to get good grades. In dance, I tried hard to improve so I could get the coveted part in the recital. In my family life, I tried to be quiet, to not disappoint anyone so I could be loved and wanted.
As I grew, this showed up in college, in relationships, in finding my first job.
It’s a classic behavior-reward system. The more I try, the better the reward.
As an adult, I feel like I have often been trying to UNlearn so much of this behavior.
I don’t need to perform to be liked, loved, appreciated, or the best. I don’t need to be the best. I just need to be myself.
I’ve learned the hard way to try less many times now that I’m getting closer to 40. Two big examples come to mind when I begin to think about this.
The first is from my early 20’s.
When I had my first (and only) corporate job out of college, I tried and tried and tried to prove myself. I did my work, then I’d ask for more. I was pulled into projects that weren’t my job. I was asked to take on tasks that others might not get to during busy periods. It didn’t help that this was during the 2008/2009 recession where there was a hiring freeze and I was the last one to get a job for over two years in my office. I became the ‘everything’ person despite my job title.
It felt nice to be needed in various ways. It was nice to be pulled in and trusted with things that, in reality, were far outside my skills. I love to be a helper, a worker, a striver. Apparently to a point of fault.
In this instance, a few of my coworkers started taking advantage of my helpfulness. I started getting others’ work (in secret) while they went out for three hour “lunches” (actually trying on wedding dresses) on the heels of their promotions. I was punished (yelled at) when a manager went on an overseas trip, and they hadn’t read any of the documents that I had prepared for their sessions, because they didn’t pack their laptop and couldn’t conduct the training. That was somehow my fault and there’s a lot more weird details to this story.
Again, it was a hard lesson to learn. Don’t try so hard to please everyone or you’ll get steamrolled. I colored outside the lines too far and burned myself out.
The second example is from when my son was about three.
I’ll preface this by saying I am and always will be the kind of person who will do anything and everything for my child. Apparently to the point of hurting myself. I nursed my son until he was 3 1/2. Something I’m very proud of. I let him self-wean and while we had our challenges, we formed the most beautiful connection that I’m so grateful for.
The hurt came from nursing with poor posture and giving myself frozen shoulder that took almost three months to heal from. I had to go to physical therapy for weeks while trying to continue to follow my son’s lead. This was a time where it was “the beginning of the end” for us. I remember realizing that if I couldn’t comfortably hold his body up while nursing, perhaps it was time to start the process of seeing if he’d go longer between nursing sessions.
The lesson around trying less came from one session at physical therapy where I was telling the doctor about how I’ve been doing all the exercises he gave me and wasn’t seeing much improvement yet. I was still in pain all the time, still not able to do my normal activities. He laughed at me and said, “You strike me as the type of person who doesn’t give yourself a lot of time to heal.” I laughed in the moment and agreed with him. But his words after that have still stuck with me 8 years later: “You’re doing great, but try less."
The point was that I was going too hard at healing, not allowing myself enough rest and time to actually get better. I wanted to feel better now. After all was said and done, it wasn’t until after I stopped doing anything except the minimum exercises and getting a massage did my shoulder improve significantly enough to get back to my regular daily movements.
Back to now. This week, I’m back with another lesson in trying less.
For a while now, I’ve been on a journey of trying to figure out what I want to do with my days. With my life really.
I’ve shared here that I’ve been trying new crafts and art while staying home and being present as a mom and partner. I have definitely found a new hobby in weaving. I’ve been using my frame loom from a kit that I got on etsy to make about a dozen woven wall hangings. It’s truly lighting me up to create, to combine colors, textures, and create stories for the pieces.
But here’s the thing. Once again, in my own true fashion, I went too hard. My shoulders and neck have been hurting after sitting and weaving for about 2-3 hours when my son is at school. A hurt that I’ve been pushing through so I can keep working and keep creating.
In addition to this, since September, I’ve started lifting weights with my favorite online program Momma Strong. It’s been nice to be consistently active with weights, as before I’d do it once and then not pick them back up for weeks/months. I’m feeling stronger in my body, hurray!
The kicker is that between the repetitive stress I’ve been putting on my neck, shoulders, and back, plus the weights, my body decided it had enough. Apparently, I’m going too hard on pushing through on things I enjoy and my body said “That’s enough, you need to have a time out.”
I injured my shoulder. I think my rotator cuff? So I’m officially putting myself on shoulder hiatus. Time to take a break from the weights, from the weaving, from the crafting. Basically from the few things that are bringing me joy lately. Even now as I’m typing, my arm is propped up on a cushion so I don’t bother it too much.
Look, even now, I can’t stop myself from doing something. I cannot sit still. I cannot rest. I must be busy!
All this to say, sometimes when going too hard, we get thrust into doing less. Into trying less. Right now, I realize I’ve been trying too hard to be good at weaving. To be stronger. And it’s time for me to take a beat on those things and sit still (as hard as that may be).
As much as I’m frustrated by it, maybe it’s a good thing to come back here to write. To take a breath. To slow down and notice. To read instead of create. To absorb rather than tend. To be present rather than reach.
It’s a hard thing to keep learning and I suspect I will continue to learn it as my life goes on.
Try less and rest more.
Did you need to hear that today too?